This is hilarious.
soo:
(link via robots)
We were sitting in a sidewalk café, I think. I don’t remember which café it was, but it was probably somewhere on the west side of campus. I had just made a hand gesture indicating the way dudes finger girls, and my friends were laughing, two guys I’ve known since we were tweens riding the same yellow school bus at Sepulveda.
“Dude, why are you still single, Soo?” one asked, slapping his knee.
“I don’t know,” I said. I looked into my sandwich. “Do you think I’m fat?”
“No,” the other said.
“You could lose, like, five pounds.”
“You are a fucking asshole.” My friend was appalled.
“Fuck, oh my god. I could lose five pounds. I know I’m thin, but like, I could tone up. Fuck.” I put my sandwich down. “Then again, you’re in love with a weak anorexic girl who won’t give you the time of day, so maybe I shouldn’t listen to you.”
“You don’t need to lose any weight,” my other friend said. “Really. You are tiny. We have words for girls like you.”
“Really? Like what?”
“Spinners. Pocket pussy.”
“That is disgusting. And sexist. And hilarious. I think.”
“Your problem,” my friend, who digs anorexics and fucks big-boned German foreign-exchange students at frat parties because he thinks it’ll be a good story later, said, “Your problem is that you’re too smart.” He shook his head. “You’re just too damn smart. All your talk about books and history. Ugh.”
“My brother gives me the same shit, but I don’t think that’s the problem. Really. Plenty of smart girls have boyfriends. Plenty of girls who like books have boyfriends. Wait. I’m not going into this. Why the fuck are we talking about this shit? I’m not sitting here complaining about my love life. I never do. Ever! There are other things to talk about.”
Later, a couple of big-haired messes walked passed us wearing sunglasses, flip-flops, and smudgy eyeliner. Sorority girls, by the look of them, thicker than me, for sure, and muffin-toppin out of their distressed Hollister-ish jeans.
“Hot,” my friend said.
“Hot,” my friend agreed, nodding. They watched the girls walk off.
“Fuck both of you guys. Seriously.”
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